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Marriage 3

Marriage, she is not a bed of roses. No marriage is perfect, nothing is perfect. We will only realise perfection when we are in Jannah in shaa Allah. Thus we have to learn coping skills, and with this in mind, I started these marriage posts based on guidelines by Mufti Zubair Bayat's 41 practical advice for troubled marriages(google it).

 

Be considerate of one’s partner; be sensitive to one’s partner; do not hurt feelings- Whilst our beloved wives might be our best friends, we cannot treat them like how we perhaps talk to our male friends. This is not appropriate. While one male might go up to his friend and say how are you you stupid lump? This would not be appropriate to your wife. Furthemore, on both sides of the spectrum, we must realise they were raised slightly differently. Whilst in your home, it might be the norm to laugh at certain things, or speak in a certain way, this might not be the case. However, on the flip side this does not entail a spouse to demand his or her way and be all 'pulled up'. Rather sit with your spouse, and lovingly tell them what offends you if they do it- NO MAN OR WOMAN IS A MAGICIAN, they cannot just know what has upset you.

 

Appreciate each other; express it now and then; do not take next person or favours for granted- This individual has left everything that he or she knows. They have allowed you to join them in life, they have spent wealth, health and everything on you and also they have allowed you to be intimate with them. Thus, we need to appreciate them. Both partners should spoil their spouse, this does not mean only buying expensive gifts- but also something simple. Helping out once in a while, doing something that they like and most importantly showing appreciation. Saying JazakAllah for the wonderful meal, saying may Allah reward you with Jannah when he buys you all the necessary things. A critical flaw that many people make is that they use the tongue as a tool of hurt. Eg.

 

1) Oh but its YOUR JOB to buy me everything. If you don't buy it, then I won't look nice, I won't cook food anymore.

 

2) Oh but its YOUR JOB to cook and clean for me.

 

These are nihmats(blessings), and we should thank our spouse for them.

 

Always be objective, not emotional; be rational, balanced and just- There are going to be fights, there are going to be problems. But the key is not to over react. Calmly look at the situation, and if you notice you are angry, then simply stop answering. Go have some water, or get out of that situation. The worst possible thing to do is answer back to your spouse, and then it becomes a mud slinging contest. More often than not, problems are very very small. But due to fight, and the extreme urge to WIN the argument, it snowballs out of control,

 

Avoid assumptions, suspicions, negative perception of partner; always give benefit of doubt; must verify facts- Never let suspicions get the better of you. If they do something wrong, realise that it was most probably a mistake. Do not think in your mind that they are doing it specifically to spite you.

 

I leave you this week with a question posed to Darul Ihsan with the answer below.

 

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My wife feels emotionally insecure because of the time I spend on the net. I spend much time emailing and using ‘facebook.’ My wife says she will only feel at ease if I allow her access to my cellular phone and my passwords. I have a clear conscience and nothing to hide but prefer to enjoy my privacy and space.

 

Does she have a right to make such a request and am I wrong to deny her such access?

 

Respected Brother in Islam

 

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

 

The dilemma facing you is a growing problem among many spouses as the use of social media soars. Using the internet and social media for noble purposes is permitted, however, unchecked usage of these mediums have shown the many harmful effects it is having on society. Therefore, your wife’s concern and request is not devoid of merit.

 

The relationship shared by a husband and wife is unique in many ways. Keeping a balanced approach and understanding each other is a key to marital bliss. A marriage relationship is a close and intimate bond that leaves very little informality or personal space between the couple. The spouses live to see each other happy and when one feels pain the other is in distress. Social media chat has the tendency to be very time consuming and intrusive. Any intrusion into this private bond, especially if the communication is clandestine is bound to raise the suspicion and anxiety of one’s partner.

 

We advise you to be easy with your wife and have a ‘hands free’ approach by allowing her access to your communication if you genuinely have nothing to hide. Once your wife is satisfied that you are innocent and loyal, she will gradually lose her curiosity to constantly check your phone. You will not lose anything by being humble and using an approach that will eliminate confrontation. Such an approach will generate an elevated form of trust in the relationship.

 

However, we would like to offer you a few words of advice on the use of social media.We are all human and must be cautious that the elements of nafs (lowly desire) and shaytaan are ever-present. Utilise the mediums of communication in a permitted manner, with moderation and according to need. Abstain from prohibited and frivolous discussion through unnecessary chatting or texting.

 

A true believer values time and abstains from vain and useless pursuits.

 

May Allah Ta’ala protect us and our families.

 

Darul Ihsan Social Department

Hadeeth Newsflash

Reported by Abu Hurairah (RA): The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "Allah, the Exalted, says: `I will contend on the Day of Resurrection against three (types of) people: One who makes a covenant in My Name and then breaks it; one who sells a free man as a slave and devours his price; and one who hires a workman and having taken full work from him, does not pay him his wages.''' [Al-Bukhari]

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